DISCOVERING OUR IDENTITY
by SteveToday while at home recovering from the flu, I listened to a recent interview with Parker J. Palmer, a writer, teacher, and activist in education and leadership. I had read his book, The Courage to Teach, as a requirement for a leadership course I was involved in a few years ago, so I was not unfamiliar with his work. Every once in a great while, I will hear or read something that just knocks me out of the water. The first words the interviewer said were these from one of Palmer’s books, and they had that effect on me:
We earn a living doing work that violates our basic values even when survival does not require it; we remain in situations and relationships which kill our spirits day in and day out; we conceal out true identities for fear of being criticized, shunned, or attacked; we harbor secrets to achieve personal gain at the expense of other people; we hide our beliefs from those who disagree with us to avoid criticism, challenge, and change.
What a long time it can take to become the person one has always been. How often in the process we mask ourselves in faces that are not our own. How much dissolving and shaking of ego we must endure before we discover our deep identity — the true self within every human being that is the seed of authentic vocation. Source: Now I Become Myself, by Parker J. Palmer, written in the spring of 2001)
Those words resonated deep within me, because I know how long, and what a struggle it was for me to discover my own self and thus my calling. I believe that our Christian identities come about in a similar manner. One of my favorite professors at Duke was fond of saying, “Christianity is about becoming what, by God’s grace, we already are.” My life, like most people I know, was filled with a lot of experimentation, trying this or that to see if it fit, wondering if I should follow in my dad’s footsteps in the family furniture business, or follow my love of music into performance or teaching, or become a minister because of my love for God and the church.
I wish I had read Palmer when I was about eighteen! I would have learned that instead of trying to discover my vocation, my first priority should have been to discover myself…the unique individual whose genes, environment, and countless other factors mixed together to make me who I am. According to Palmer, this is not a goal to be achieved, but a gift to be received.
I think of all the masks I wore, all the people I tried to imitate (Billy Graham, Mario Lanza, Will Willimon, to name a few), never realizing that the person I am is valuable…my personality, my self, formed by so many different factors, is a gift from God. So in setting out to “become who I already was,” I discovered the person I was born to be. What an incredibly freeing experience that was.
Now my goal is to live fully into my identity…to quit fooling around with masks, to lose all fear of saying what I believe to be true, and to have the courage to be who I really am in front of anyone and in every situation. I know that if I can do that, when I come to the end of my life, I will not hear God say something like, “It doesn’t bother me that you were not Billy Graham. Why were you not Steve Kirby?”
RSS
I found this very moving on many levels and I do not disagree with it’s basic intent. “Masks”, however, are the order of the day for the vast majority of the populace.. and while I agree that one needs to know one’s self, perhaps in some situations, masks can serve a healthy purpose.
I have seen people take being “truthful” and “unfettered” in their heart straight to their tongue, often bypassing their brain on many occasions. I think what is most important is being a loving encourgager whether one feels it in truth or not…whether it is the true measure of one’s identity or emotion, or not… because, I believe it is as much what we SAY in life as what we DO or what we ARE that others respond to. Kindness, then, supercedes truth in some instances.. and expressing one’s own identity is less important than preserving the self esteem of others.
This is not to say that I disagree with anything said in the blog.. I do not. It is only to add that there are other things to consider here because everyone’s “true” self is not necessarily “good”… and the higher callings in life are often not found on many human beings dance cards.
If the populace were innately good, that would be one thing… but one has only to turn on the nearest t.v. set or radio to find out quickly that this is simply not the case.
I don’t mean to be negative…I simply think that this is real life and we all must deal with it realisticly. I don’t think there is a chance that God will ever say, “Why were you not Steve Kirby” to you, dear Brother.
He may, however, ask Himself, “WHY didn’t I make more like you.”
Mike, Judy said much the same thing when she read my post. I agree absolutely with you…we place far too much emphasis on feelings leading to actions (we are nice when we “feel” like it), and not nearly enough on actions leading to feelings. My theory is that the latter is what works…we act correctly and compassionately out of obedience, and guess what? The “feeling” flows from the action!
Judy also said she wasn’t sure the “real” me should be unleashed on the world. That wasn’t what I was talking about. The masks I have worn were chosen by me out of ignorance and sometimes cowardice, and the result was being less than I could have been at the moment.
I don’t want to confuse masks with tact. What I meant to convey is the concept of integrity, or wholeness, which to me means fully living out my identity as a child of God and a representative of Jesus. To do that, we have to do some “embracing” of our darker side, for if we can look in the mirror and not run from what we see, we can not only learn about ourselves, but also improve upon them.
I laughed out loud at your last line. Keep ‘em coming!
With love…sk
Just thought of something to help make my point. Jesus said upon seeing Nathaniel, “Behold, a man in whom there is no guile.” Such men were rarities then (else Jesus wouldn’t have commented on it) and they are rarities now. But that is precisely what it means to discover and live out of one’s true identity!
Amen.
Steve,
I know that your love of music is so radically different than mine but this made me think of a song by a Casting Crowns. “Stained Glass Masquerade” When I hear this message I hear fear, that lives in us, that we may not live up to what we see in others. For me it has opened a window that lets me see that we are all in this together. This is the life of accepting, loving, caring with true genuine compassion. Until we all can be open to our true selves and compassionate with others true selves we can’t be fully human which is the thing we all search for the most!
Tammy…you got the point. Don’t know the song you mentioned, but I’ll try to find it and give it a listen. I know some of our church kids enjoy Casting Crowns. Best…